Thursday, January 13, 2011
Life Is What You Make It
I know I haven't been keeping up with my blog, and to the few readers I have left, you are troopers! My life has been a little crazy, as I shared in my previous post, my father is very ill. He remains in a nursing home and I continue commuting back and forth to Ohio every 4-6 weeks to visit, help, and just be with him for whatever time he has left. My last trip was pretty sad, I was told there is nothing more they can do for him. He has deteriorated before my eyes for a year and a half. I guess looking back there were signs even before all this happened, but I chose the ignorance is bliss approach. There is no ignoring it now. Although for my 4 siblings, they sure seem to be doing a wonderful job at it. I still get no help or support from them, and even worse, my Dad and step mom get no support when I am not there with them. I do as much as I can both when I'm with them and when I'm home. When I visit, I clean the house, pay the bills, take my Step Mom to doctor visits, go to meetings with my Dad's care providers, visit with him, do special little things that I hope help lift his spirits. When I lost my Mom, not that it was easy because it wasn't, but once again, I'd ignored a lot, and then she was gone. This time around I don't want regrets. The easier way I imagine is what my siblings do, which is nothing. I could make excuses and say because I live 4 hours away, it's just impossible for me to make these trips, uproot my life and my children that often, and well, there is expense involved. But I could not live with myself if I wasn't there for him. I truly don't understand my brothers and sisters, and because of the fact that I've dealt with this alone all this time, I don't have relationships with any of them really. I can be cordial, but I have given up trying to get them to do what I believe to be the right thing in this scenario. All I can do is do what I do, I can only control myself and how I respond to situations. Other than grief and bitterness, I've been peachy! No there have been joys this last year has brought. God works in mysterious ways. All of my old friends that I'd lost touch with over the years, literally ALL of them, have resurfaced in my life. So where I lack sibling support, I have an abundance of friendship. Many are like the sisters I never had. And my husband has been amazing. For all his quirks that I've talked about in previous blogs, I truly don't know what I'd do without him. From the beginning of our relationship to now, he picks up where others pitifully leave off. From caring for my son and helping to raise him, which has not been an easy ride for him given my ex's side of the family, to all the disaster and crisis management he provides me, he is my rock and my soft place to fall. He loves my son as much as he does the daughter we have together. He provides, loves, spends time with, encourages and parents them with me. He reminds me I am not in this life alone. I have a partner and a witness to my life, to all my joys, and all my sadness. And then God did bless me with an incredible sense of humor. I know in my heart I never would have made it out of my disastrous first marriage without 3 things. Faith in God, faith in myself, and an ability to laugh. I struggle with forgiveness but I am human. I struggle to forgive my siblings for their shortcomings with my father. I struggle to forgive the ex for years and years worth of abuse, both that he did to me and to himself. I struggle to forgive friends who've hurt me. I struggle to forgive others who remain in my life because of my son. I'm a work in progress. I'm trying. I always try to be a better person, though some days are better than others. So while this post has been all over the place, maybe some of you can relate to something I've said. Whether it be becoming the parent to your parent, appreciating Gods blessings, overcoming life's traumas, or learning to forgive.... just put one foot in front of the other and remember above all, life isn't easy, but it IS what you make it.